Part III: Preparing Yourself for the Fallout
By Elaine C Pereira, MA OTR/L, CDP, CDC - Author of the multi-award winning memoir: I Will Never Forget-A Daughter’s Story of Her Mother’s Arduous And Humorous Journey Through Dementia
Today is the final article in the popular blog series: Caring for Someone with Alzheimer’s From a Long Distance, written by Author and former caregiver; Elaine Pereira. In this article Elaine offers advice to help with the difficult stages of Alzheimer’s. The following outlines her extremely helpful article series.
Part I - Helps you to make the decision: To Move Or Not To Move.
Part II – Elaine identifies what to look for in Selecting a Facility:
- Which questions to ask
- How to gauge the answers
- Does it appear the person at the assisted living community is being truthful? Or, are they simply telling you what they think you want to hear?
- The single most important feature defining a quality facility
Part III – The final article, Preparing Yourself for the Fallout, is intended to be proactively supportive by revealing pitfalls you may encounter after the move.
Please read all 3 articles as they are best used in conjunction with one another. Click the links at the end of the article to read all parts of this dynamic series.
-Carlos Barrios, Founder Endear For Alzheimer’s
Part III: Preparing Yourself for the Fallout
In my three part series Caring for Someone with Alzheimer’s form a Long Distance, I explore three separate but interwoven areas pertinent to making informed decisions with respect to Alzheimer’s: Part I dealt with moving your loved one closer verses managing their care long distance. In Part II, Selecting a Facility, I offered considerations about cost, coverage, waiting lists and how best to evaluate a quality facility.
Part III: The final article, Preparing Yourself for the Fallout, is intended to be proactively supportive by revealing pitfalls you may encounter after the move.
Looking back with the wisdom and clarity that only hindsight affords, I did fairly well making impossible choices regarding my mother’s care. Know from the onset you are not alone in this journey, although you might feel that way, and perhaps through this series you gain insight and answers.
Read more in my multi-award winning memoir I Will Never Forget-A Daughter’s Story of Her Mother’s Arduous and Humorous Journey Through Dementia. You might identify with and learn from my unwitting mistakes and strategies for better interaction.
Promises They Can’t Keep
You’ve done extensive research, toured and selected a center, made countless weighty decisions, all critically important, and moved your loved one. You should feel a sense of accomplishment after wrestling with and organizing the considerable logistical aspects, possibly solo. But before you breathe a huge sigh of relief, not that you’re not entitled, be prepared for the emotional and physical fallout lurking around every corner of every decision and every variable.
My mother’s situation was unique in that she had been very transparent about her end-of-life and wishes for decades, sometimes in very disconcerting ways. Understandably I didn’t welcome conversations about death and dying and didn’t always validate my mother’s platform to voice their hypothetical “someday” conversations. But fortunately I knew her very well, and especially after my dad’s stroke, I was very attentive to her desires.
Prior to the actual relocation Mom reassured me that she would rather be closer to me than continue to live two hours away. I felt a false sense of relief that the transition would progress smoothly because she was on board. I was wrong.
Alzheimer’s effect on each individual is widely varied. No two situations are the same. If your loved one is still verbal, like my mother was, they may claim they understand and agree to move, like she did, and then implode in anger and confusion, again, like Mom did.
Their reality is anything but real. Memory, judgment, reasoning, behavior are completely splintered. I didn’t fully appreciate how warped my mother’s mind was until after the actual move. Her catastrophic fallout, wicked accusations, anger and demands that she be moved back, blindsided me. Despite her promises, in better, more lucid times that she would be “fine” when she moved, Mom was not “fine,” not even close.
Being a Parent to Your Parent
If you find yourself buffering unexpected bizarre behaviors and second-guessing your decision to have moved your loved one a long distance, remember that any move is disruptive and disorienting to someone with Alzheimer’s. As much as you want to continue to believe that your Mom or Dad can be trusted to make “good” decisions, they cannot or at least not predictably.
It’s very difficult to step into the role of being a parent to your parent. It’s unnatural. For some of us, it goes cross-grained to our upbringing. I felt at times that I was being disrespectful to my mother taking over so many decisions. Academically I knew I was doing right by her, but emotionally it was different…
Just as there are five stages of dealing with loss and grief, there are parallel emotions for many of us as caregivers wrestling with stepping up and into the new role of parenting our parent: guilt.
Guilt
At any point along this formidable journey of making decisions, making arrangements, managing money, signing your life away, or that of your parent actually, guilt may invade your consciousness and undermine your resolve.
It’s the Caregiver’s Lament. You didn’t do enough! You made the wrong decisions. Waited too long or acted too soon. If you have made thoughtful decisions out of love for someone else, regardless of the consequences, you are not to blame nor should you feel guilty. Easier said than accepted, however.
I didn’t experience a lot of guilt per se. But I felt every other emotion possible: doubt, second guessing, anger, bewilderment, apprehension, hesitation and tears! On-the-floor, huddled in a ball, shaking. Not often, but often enough. Whatever cluster of reactions you feel before, during and especially after a relocation of your loved one with Alzheimer’s, you are entitled. You are not alone in this arena either.
My mother’s story is everyones story. In tribute to her and everyone affected by Alzheimer’s, I donate 20% of sales from every copy of my book; I Will Never Forget to Alzheimer’s research.
So “Help Me Help Others! Buy a Book!”
Softcover sales help generate the greatest proceeds, but eBook sales help too.
Click a link below to to see how over 100,000 readers have benefitted from her multi-award winning book.
Buy the book on Amazon: http://amzn.to/19ZeaJV
Buy the book at Barnes and Noble: http://bit.ly/1k3oYaJ
Elaine is one of the many acclaimed authors and professionals in our Affiliate Writers program. The program offers Professionals and Authors an opportunity to help others by showcasing their work on our site. If you would like to be a part of our program please submit a request by contacting us through this link.
About the Author: Elaine Pereira is an Occupational Therapist, Author, Speaker and Certified Dementia Caregiver/Practitioner. She earned her Bachelor of Science in Occupational Therapy and Master’s Degree from Wayne State University. Elaine lives with her husband Joseph in southeastern Michigan. Together they have five adult children and six grandchildren. Her hobbies include golf, baking and crafting.
Click on the articles below to read the rest of this series.
Part I - Helps you to make the decision: To Move Or Not To Move. Part I
Part II – What to look for when Selecting a Facility
Click the links below to read more articles by Elaine Pereira
How to Communicate With Someone With Alzheimer’s – Part 1: Touch
How to Communicate With Someone With Alzheimer’s – Part 2: Sound & Hearing
How to Communicate With Someone With Alzheimer’s – Part 3: Aroma & Smell
How to Communicate With Someone With Alzheimer’s – Part 4: Taste
How to Communicate With Someone With Alzheimer’s – Part 5: Vision
